First of all : This shouldn't be a "Oh my gawd, I'm such a poor furry fella" journal, just some thoughts I want to write down. Because maybe someone feels the same or knows these feelings...also because normally I'm not so comfortable about putting my inner self on a plate like this and post it as Journal x'D
I am a very shy and introvert person. It was, is and probably always will be difficult for me to walk up to people and just talk to them and feel confident about myself. I arranged myself with that and when I did so, I felt at least better with myself ^^
For the other thing...as it would seem I really tend to find people and call them friends only to find out that I am not as important to them as they are for me. Since it is hard for me to talk to others personally it's also a hard thing for me to trust someone else. In the last years a lot of things had happened that made me a bit more careful of whom to trust. Like...to trust someone completely. To call someone a friend with whom you can talk about everything without any kind of shame or things like that.
Like back in school were my former best friend was all like Party every weekend and whatnot. I'm not a party-person, so I never came with her (once tried it, decided I really don't like it at all xD) so all of a sudden she looked for other people who would go to parties with her, take drugs (I also refused that) because it was sooo cooool. And all of a sudden I was just the person she only talked to when she needed something. Silly me, I was gullible enough for a few months to do that.
And somehow I tend to always find this same kind of friend. Maybe it's a bit like the same like women only finding men as partner who beat them, I don't know.
Everytime in the last years when I thought I found someone to talk about everything and call them a friend and trust them....someone else suddenly was more important and I was left behind again.
And I'm sick of that :/ Because of all the energy and effort I put into knowing someone, talking to them and trust them and then in the end it was just for nothing.
I just miss having friends to whom I can talk to about everything.